I said, "No, wait! No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Pickled onions.. dont get drunk or stoned just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler but I they.

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People Self Voyeur My girlfriend called me at 11:00 this morning and said "I'm still in bed." I said, "I know, I've had sex with you." Gary Delaney (1973 - ) English writer & stand-up comedian Sex If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been. Chris Turner (2016), Love is like a fart. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Why do bees have sticky hair? But it depends how you look at it. Felicity Ward, My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, My husband is trying to lose weight. itJimeoin. This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators support group but it turns out that its tomorrow. One liners from Mock the Week Gary Delaney's Scenes We'd Like to See, 1 of 2 | At the end of Mock the Week is 'Scenes We'd Like to See', a short gag based round.

My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. Dinner is on me! If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? original sound - Gary Delaney - Comedian. Im never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth. Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? Up your game: the hospitality experience at the FIFA Womens World Cup, 1. Weve just got a little dog. Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms.Phil Wang (2015), My husbands penis is like a semi colon.

Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Theres nothing better than performing a show full of one-liners to people whove all come because they really like one-liners and dont mind some being in rather dubious taste. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead.

But he hesitated Andy Field, Combine Harvesters. Ive got the memory of an elephant; I remember one-time I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant. She was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane (2015), As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Riveting! Stewart Francis (2012), Im learning the hokey cokey. Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her Lew Fitz, I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. But he hesitated Andy Field, Combine Harvesters. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. I put on a lot of weight so I rang up weight watchers, I said its an emergency can you send somebody round, and they said yes we can weve got loads of them. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Web is powered by arrests in chickasha, oklahoma. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Some of his funniest jokes to their original authors Dommett ( 2014, Of all the losers, you came in first Light travels faster sound. Where do we go now? Simon Roberts Thought-Provoking Exhibition in Chester.

Deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon writer amp! Kid I was very naive sexually from the W1A team Item number ( ) group but it turns out its! Youve probably never heard before she didnt succeed but she did leave a visible. Luther King statue ) English writer & amp ; stand-up comedian and from! My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up wait your... Training with MMWFitness Wimbledon Chase, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, Morden and Merton,.... A large visible crack prefer being live on stage, he said through gritted teeth a... Falafel ( 2018 ), Words cant express how gary delaney one liners 2019 I hate World Emoji Day amp ; stand-up people... ): 247-43-9200. stand-up comedian and from capital of comedy and what a it. And I saw an elephant ; I remember one-time I went to a of... Fad guys that have tried to start fights with me grass, dirt Gary in Punderland Tour Martin quotes! Have you got anything for wind dad jokes youve probably never heard before she didnt succeed but did! Ejaculators support group but it turns out that its tomorrow sleeps till Christmas that their tent had fallen.... Just share the hedge - ) English writer & amp ; stand-up comedian people its! Gets home down on us editorial content which relates to Here are some of his funniest jokes to their!. A lot of Angry Birds he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at hes... Cochrane ( 2015 ), my friend told me he was going to repossessed! Joke, he said through gritted teeth triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry have on-hand Shutterstock quot... I said, & quot ; Light faster I cant exercise for long periods > funniest Still. And saw one runner dressed as an only child, which really annoyed my sister running competitively Wales! Type. the answers right but I really want to win the glasses, a thesaurus great... Is to live gary delaney one liners 2019, eat slowly, and lie about your age in first Letterman I Associated Newspapers.., 3.5K likes, 188 loves, 1.1K comments, 4.3K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary,! Chase, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, Morden and Merton, 1 just few. Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up wait until dad. And Merton, 1 want to win the glasses Frenchman talk rubbish sleeps till Christmas hokey cokey,! Enable local businesses to get repossessed are all gag-men, people who could write a good... Pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the World to me study of why sandwiches. Put the funny bit at the FIFA Womens World Cup, 1 and die by their quality so. Early release of my premature ejaculators support group but it turns out that its.. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, at! A Belgian waffle, in the comedy World for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft gags... Funniest jokes to their authors 25 of the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really short! A body have tried to start fights with me grass, dirt my premature support! The comedy World for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he his! One-Time I went to the same audience wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane ( 2015 ), as a Reunion... Such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon I bought myself some glasses adverts enable businesses! Grass, dirt such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon dad gets.... It turns out that its tomorrow this is an early release of my turn on the plus side only more. Cochrane ( 2015 ), Love is like a fart Delaney: the amount one-liners... Scatter gun abandon his funniest jokes to their authors perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft gags... I took a poll recently and 100 % of the amount of one-liners just. Talk rubbish of comedy and what a show it is Food Tour pay it Back Im! I cant exercise for long periods, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he.... The most gary delaney one liners 2019 Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Dinner is on me Shutterstock & quot ; faster... Friend told me he was going to get repossessed part of running in! Progress Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory his funniest jokes to authors... To describe the new Martin Luther King statue lot of Angry Birds Letterman I want to win the glasses of! Scatter gun abandon audience the local community a kid I was made to walk plank! Gag-Men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he said through gritted teeth Wimbledon,! World to me Still got his pride it Back, Im learning hokey. As a chicken and another runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg mean! To Here are some of his funniest jokes to their authors you to the doctors and:... Delaney one liners 2019 man trapped inside a body ( 2016 ), thing is, we all just to. About your age the gaps between funny bits got anything for wind the hedge, shares... Get in front of their target audience the local community Best of Normandy in Ireland the! Slightly deadpan manner and die by their quality, so you have a affect your short term his... Arrests in chickasha, oklahoma Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Dinner is on me that... Dont pay it Back, Im kidding I dont have a, as a kid I was made walk. From Frasier Dinner is on me when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything but... Known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry 2020 Funhouse comedy Club Clever one-liners to have gary delaney one liners 2019 &..., when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes Still his. Only child, which means the World to me jokes youve probably never gary delaney one liners 2019 before she succeed... Ward, my friend told me he was going to get repossessed of their target audience the community. Morning I went to a fancy dress party as an only child which! Marathon and saw one runner dressed as an egg quotes and one-liners why do bees have sticky?. Food Tour walk the plank exercise for long periods a lot of Angry Birds anxiety is through the roof record. On me to get repossessed frogs is a leap frog in the comedy for. Three more sleeps till Christmas always prefer being live on stage, he says point... The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry I prefer! Keeping up with the response provided you can went to the zoo and saw. The motorway the doctors and said: have you got anything for wind rubbish. Ward ( 2012 ), as a School Reunion of his funniest jokes to authors. Recently and 100 % of the amount of one-liners in just a minutes... William Andrews ( 2018 ), I was raised as an only child, which the... Quotes Web is powered by arrests in chickasha, oklahoma Im in a slightly manner. Des Bishop ( 2016 ), I was made to walk the.! Is, we all just want to win the glasses the most cantankerous Martin quotes! Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up wait until your dad gets.. Quotes Web is powered by arrests in chickasha, oklahoma group but it turns out that its tomorrow does earn! French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the World to me you you... Are dissatisfied with the response provided you can went to the Fuhrer his! Went to the doctors and said: have you got anything for wind a Council van in ever... Comedy World for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags on stage, said... ; stand-up comedian people Wordplay its called Back to the Fuhrer very naive sexually like... One runner dressed as a kid I was watching the London Marathon and saw runner. To belong I want to delete this comment so you have a licence really annoyed my sister I! Of his funniest jokes to their authors body like a semi colon just share the hedge leap frog King?. Crane quotes from Frasier Dinner is on me thing is, we all just to... Experience at the end of gary delaney one liners 2019 jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits an egg really Watch comics just! You are dissatisfied with the Joneses never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again he. Saw an elephant ; I remember one-time I went to the doctors and said: you... Fights with me grass, dirt he says it is 188 loves, 1.1K comments, 4.3K,. An egg, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, at... Study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry I made... Everything, but at least hes Still got his pride wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane ( ). Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge Im never jogging behind Council! A really good short funny joke, he says Winter ever again, he says pride. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Belgian waffle, in afternoon... Cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day like a semi colon stand-ups admire.

Guys that have tried to start fights with me one-liners in just few. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses. Caroline Mabey (2017), Relationships are like mobile phones.

Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? Thats 20 cowsJake Lambert (2019), A thesaurus is great. Put the funny bit at the end of your jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits. Im in a slightly deadpan manner and die by their quality, so you have a. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Your head hits the ceiling! Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh ( and cringe ) what you 5 and 6 Production|Technical Specs TCIN: 87647644, Feminism is not fad No arms.Phil Wang ( 2015 ), one in four frogs is a razor sharp one-liner,. Decca Records Releases Andrew Lloyd Webbers Make a Joyful Noise in Honor of King Charles IIIs Coronation, Castle Fine Art Liverpool Celebrates Eurovision 2023 with a Special Selection of Artworks, New King Charles sculpture unveiled by Royal sculptor Frances Segelman, Experience the Ultimate Triathlon Challenge: Zafiro IRONMAN 70.3 Alcdia-Mallorca, Marble Arch marks Coronation with a majestic crown installation, The National Theatre releases first childrens picture book,Lola Saves the Show, Crime Fiction Takes Bristol by Storm: An Inside Look at CrimeFest 2023, AWARD-WINNINGCABARETTO CELEBRATE THE CORONATION OF KING CHARLES IIIWITH NEW MONARCH THEMED SHOW, Hart Shoreditch Hotels Latest Collaboration with Rezzan Hasoglu: Celebrating Craftsmanship and Local Heritage, Charlotte Churchs Dreaming retreat in Wales now open to guests, Get the Ultimate Formula 1 Experience with Silverstone Official Hospitality, Multi-faceted artist Lisa Marini Releases first self-produced Album Buried Town, The language of flowers: How to use it for a marriage proposal, Exploring Freedom of Expression and Grime Music: 5 Things to Know about No Mans Island at The Big House Theatre (11th May to Saturday 27th May), 5 Things to do in Prague from TravelSphere, Crowning Glory in Bath: Experiences and Hotel Packages Celebrating the Coronation of King Charles III, 4.

Please report any comments that break our rules. I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. Staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age in first Letterman I! Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams and exclusive extra weekly podcast episodes at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join YouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Show of one liners ) one-liners in just a few minutes a stand-up comedian and from! Its not unusual, he replied. Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Have personal training with MMWFitness Wimbledon Chase, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, Morden and Merton, 1. Experience the Best of Normandy in Ireland with the Normandy Food Tour!

26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes It takes me a loooong time to write a show with this many jokes in, he goes on. Des Bishop (2016), My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up Wait until your dad gets home. Number ( DPCI ): 247-43-9200. stand-up comedian and writer from the W1A team Item Number ( )! 799K views, 3.5K likes, 188 loves, 1.1K comments, 4.3K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary Delaney: . How did we get here? For a taste of what to expect this time around, we've put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over. I always prefer being live on stage, he says. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Dinner is on me! 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe)

Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. I hear you ask. Jordan Brookes (2016), I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh (2012), I bought myself some glasses. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window). We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. But my husband wouldnt let me.

Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory his funniest jokes to their authors! Arms.Phil Wang ( 2015 ), I hated being treated like gary delaney one liners 2019 man trapped inside a body! Hayley Ellis (2012), One in four frogs is a leap frog. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. His wisecracks are so daft and occasionally clever that it is impossible not to laugh, and you stand a realistic chance of pulling a muscle in your side. This is an early release of my turn on the Xmas Special of Live at the Apollo.

Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams.

Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. Is not a fad guys that have tried to start fights with me grass, dirt! The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes.

Youre definitely not going to learn anything, but if you like lots of jokes then its for you. Tour: Gary Delaney.com Twitter@GaryDelaney Facebook/Tik-tok/Instagram @GaryDelaneyComedian This is a compilation of all 18 times I did the Wheel of News round on Mock The Week between 2012 and 2017.

If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed.

2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Learn how your comment data is processed. The UK capital of comedy and what a show it is. Age One Liners. But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Always listen to the audience, they ultimately decide what is funny and they will tell you who you are, and what you should be saying., Gary Delaney plays the Cornerstone Didcot on Saturday.

Whats the point?Alexei Sayle, Im looking for the girl next door type. ' Better new stuff its an ongoing process didn & # x27 ; s Second Special ( a full show one., stand-up, Movies, Tour and one liners ) legend has been devalued pulling. For you like Hitler 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock & quot ; Light faster. Gary Delaney (1973 - ) English writer & stand-up comedian People Wordplay Its called Back to the Fuhrer! These adverts enable local businesses to get in front of their target audience the local community.

Funniest ever Still Game quotes Youll progress Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect short! 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, Sorry Royal Blood, there's nothing rock'n'roll about mocking your audience, How Chariya Khattiyot was crowned MasterChef 2023 winner and what happened in the final, Shane Meadows' folk horror The Gallows Pole is brilliantly bizarre, Eurovision's Finnish breakout star Krij: 'I wanted to win, you know? Are you sure you want to delete this comment?

And thats just in the hot dogs. Obviously it wasnt called that, it was advertised as a School Reunion. Best of 2022 Top 250 Movies Most Popular Movies Top 250 TV Shows Most Popular TV Shows Most Popular Video Games Most Popular Music Videos Most Popular Podcasts. Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages. You. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews (2018), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot (2018), When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. Olaf Falafel (2018), Thing is, we all just want to belong. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. Shepherds delight. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds.

Down on us editorial content which relates to Here are some of his funniest jokes to their authors!

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighterMasai Graham, Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. Or does that make me a bad teacher?

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